Poetry

Second Sonnet

Last night was another argument between a daughter and her mother. This time I (the daughter, definitely) was guilty. The moment I got home and greeted my mom with a kiss, I knew that she was upset, very upset. She was about to burst into anger but remained quiet and it was the scariest when your mom doesn’t speak when she’s angry. However, moments have passed, and when my brother and I was about to sleep, she finally outraged. I kept quiet and cried my heart out because it hurts to see her again like this and it’s entirely my fault. I was speechless, out of words, but never is my mind. I rambled on my phone and wrote my thoughts, and today I put them into words — into a sonnet. It starts with how bad I felt about what happened, then how some nights my thoughts haunt me, then to how horribly guilty I was, and ending it with a reminder for myself that I have always taken for granted the people I love the most because they’re just there and will always (but not forever) be there for me.


It’s nighttime. It’s dark and everything’s still.
It’s the time when her mind is alive most.
The night makes her feel horrible sometimes.
Monsters inside her head keeps creeping back.
They hurt her feelings; breaks her heart apart.
They make her weep ’til there’s not more to weep,
’til she grasps for breath, ’til she feels nothing.
She’s still young yet she feels tired of living.
She looks strong and happy but her heart’s weak.
She keeps hurting the people she loves most;
she is careless and takes them for granted.
But she’s blessed for they always choose to stay.

 

Poetry

First Sonnet

I have been writing a lot of haiku and tanka for the past months, and I really enjoyed writing them. It became my tool for making my thoughts and feelings come into life. Then suddenly I thought of sonnets and remember Shakespeare. I went through the internet and found this beautiful website called Shaespeare’s Sonnets. All of his sonnets are in there together with explanation of symbols and difficult words so readers could comprehend, reflect on them better. Works from other authors are also included in this website.

I haven’t really read all the sonnets by Shakespeare, not really read too much sonnets. I just decided that I wanted to try creating one on my own. Mine’s more of a contemporary type but here’s my cheap shot, my very first sonnet:

Words do not completely show you love her
Your presence and appreciation do
Give her all your attention as she speaks
Listen. Remember everything she says;
her favorites, things she likes, things she hates.
Touch her face, kiss her lips, hug her tightly.
Shed her tears and put smiles over her frowns.
When she makes you mad, look into her eyes
and remember why you love this woman.
Just look at her flaws, how perfect they are
Her imperfections are the reasons why
of all the women, you chose to love her.

personal

Becoming Breadwinner

Life for me is difficult, especially with my current situation. I finally finished my studies and I welcome myself to the excruciating but very exciting world of employment. At least for me who is living in a country that makes employment a struggle. Or maybe it’s a struggle because I’m unemployed right now (after the previous company I worked for closed) and at the same time, I’m the breadwinner of my family. I think reaching this stage of my life is the hardest and almost unbearable for me. How hard I wish I’m a kid again who is worry free and doesn’t see life as messed up. Now, maybe as you read this you’re confuse why am I the only one working in the family or breadwinning them. Let me give a very brief background.

Little background
My father moved out of the house two years ago. He works as a waiter in a cruise ship. Monthly we receive a mandatory of almost 50% of his salary, and that is about P20,000 here, and that is quite a lot. However, not enough. We are a family of five and all of us his children are studying. We even had to change our lifestyle to cope up with our situation because he used to spoil us with so many unnecessary things in life as we grow. As for my mother, she stays at home to take care of my paternal grandmother (my father’s maternal aunt; my immediate grandmother and my mom don’t get along well) in which she gets extra credit. Then my father had to stop working a year ago because of his health condition, and his age might also be a reason. The money stopped as well. Afterwards, my father did not even try to support us, at all. Hence, we had no more source of income but everything from the works of my mom.

If you were wondering how I managed to finish my studies and my two younger brothers continue going to school, it’s because we are blessed with extremely supportive and helpful uncles. We were able to get into good schools because of their help. These uncles of ours are the children of whom my mom takes care of. Uncle Arvin supported my studies and most of our financial needs since I started high school. Both of my uncles who supports us have their own families and responsibilities but chose to continuously supports us. By which I am, and will always be grateful.

Back to what I really wanted to write about.

Too much pressure
Now I hope you understand how much pressure it is for me to carry this whole lot of responsibilities, especially when I lost a job in the moment where it’s difficult to look for the right job. Looking for a job became difficult for me since I need to consider important things: work location, nature of work, and the pay — most especially the pay. I need to make sure that it would suffice our needs. Of course, being turned down by employers happen and it’s definitey time consuming.

One month after resigning from my previous job, I still got nothing. Christmas is approaching and I know I need the money to give us a simple yet wonderful way to end our year. Plus, this could be the first time that I could provide for them. It’s building too much pressure on me day after day, to my mom as well. We came to a point, my mom and I, where she had to say things, hurtful things about me and how my job hunting goes. I know that she doesn’t mean them to be hurtful. Giving me silent treatment after a disagreement is what makes everything difficult for me, just when I needed her the most. I just had to ignore it and make my own decisions for now to move on and focus on what I had to do. Thankfully, I have the best person to talk to when I don’t feel well: my boyfriend. The best person to be with who makes difficult moments like this bearable.

Lesson in every challenge is there
You see, becoming the breadwinner of my family is a big challenge for me. The pressure it builds even affect my relationship with my mother because both of us are trying our best to keep up, and life must be dragging her down too much. But no matter how hard this might get, I think the beauty of this challenge is that this will make me stronger, and to appreciate the hardwork I do. I love my family and being able to pass this challenge will return me the highest favor of true happiness.

I think the most important thing I’ve learn in becoming a breadwinner is to stay focus, keep my priorities straight, and keep a strong heart. It will all pay me off with the most satisying, genuine happiness.

Uncategorized

A Reminder

People close to me see me as a strong woman.
Me? I don’t really know.
Am I strong? I always thought so.
But, god, if you people only know
I’m soft as a snow.

Am I strong? Come on, look closer into my eyes
Can you see the tears fall from my eye?
None of you know how many times I cry
nor how hard I try to pull a smile
I almost bear the world good-bye

Many times I try to hold back my tears
Many times I’d want to say I can’t take it anymore
But then I see the people I love the most, and my heart breaks
So I close my eyes, let the tears fall and remind myself
“Stay strong, self”

My Life · personal

Reasons Why I’m a Strong Woman

I decided to answer these “50 Questions to Ask a Girl If You Want To Know Who She Really Is” that I found in Twitter. I’ve been trying to find such thing for a long time because I really wanted to get to know myself better and here it is. And I’m about to begin with question no. 1.

What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

I’m quite young and I know I’ve been through a lot, mostly emotional damage has taken me in my youthful years. Most of my friends see me as an independent and strong woman because that’s how I really am. But for one and most reason why I became this kind of a person, let me give a huge thanks to my ex-boyfriend, my first heartbreak. It was terrible and what came after our break-up was such a struggle for me. Actually I was a bit surprise to find myself not crying after our break-up. I only cried a week after. For a week I acted normal at home and around my friends, and they never suspected anything wrong. They told me I was strong but in reality I was not. I thought I could get over it in a short while. Boy I was wrong. I spent almost a year getting over that guy. I did not involve myself in a romantic relationship for the rest of my college years. I enjoyed being single, meeting and talking with several guys but nothing more. And I was genuinely happy.

I believe my first heartbreak made me strong in a sense that it made me realize the essence and joy in being single, or being independent. It made me smarter and much more careful in being with men. It even made me closer to my friends and family. I was strong because my actions, decisions and emotions are not dependent to anyone at all but myself.

Another reason I could consider is losing my father and all the criticisms our family gets from this. Him and my mother don’t get along well since we were children but he left for good when I was in my third year in college. It was depressing I literally got depressed of what was happening in my family. It even came to a point where I’m beginning to have suicidal thoughts. But my family pushed me to be strong, and the fact that my father would never be there to support us no more. I needed to finish studies and get a better job to suffice the needs of my family and I, as well as my goals.

The saddest part of having a broken family is that the criticisms my family receives from my father’s family, especially my mom which she does not deserve at all. Most of them thinks that we are bad children and our behavior made him leave which is really stupid. What was happening was too much for me and my family. And the thought that there was no one to support us (but my uncles who supported our studies) had kept me going. If my father cannot provide us our needs, why can’t I?

People and mistakes that caused me troubles are something I should be thankful for in any way. They had me going; they made me stronger.

Daily Prompt

All I Want is You

I just had this last song syndrome with Kodaline’s All I Want. I have heard this a few years ago but every time I listen to this song, it fills me up with emotions. It’s one of the saddest songs I have ever heard. The first time I heard this song was during the saddest moment of my life – I was depressed during late years in college. Apparently today I am not sad anymore and I find it quite wonderful that the meaning of this song for me changed, too. I’m happily in love now with the most wonderful man I have ever been with and as I listen to this beautiful song today while wrapped around in his sleeping body, I shed a tear or two because I thought that I never, ever want to lose this person. I could feel how painful it is if that ever happens. (See I am getting all the emotions right now with my words lol) Here are the lyrics and a video of the song, you might want to hear it or you already know it:

“All I Want”

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
‘Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I’m sureWhen you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my sideBut if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody like you.Oh oh

So you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I’ve never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.

But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody.

Oh

If you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody like you.

Song

Uncategorized

How?

How can I take off my eyes off of you?

How can I pull off from your hug?

How can I stop myself from missing you?

How can I contain all the butterflies in me when we meet?

How long am I going to feel wonderful when I’m with you?

How do I stop creating beautiful and cheesy scenarios in my head?

All of these questions I cannot answer.

All of these things just happen and my only reason is you.

But I can’t believe that this one question you can answer in a snap:

How do I say goodbye to the person who made me questioned every good things we had?